I am a soul.

I am not a body that has a soul. I am a soul that has a body.—as C.S. Lewis once quite correctly put it.

Sometimes my body gets the best of me.

Went home to Nashville this weekend. It’s nice. I needed the weekend away from Knoxville. It can be suffocating. I feel like I’m in an alternate universe that tends to suck the life out of me. As much as I love it, I can’t stand it sometimes.   

Home feels kind of odd now. I remember the first time I went home after I had moved away to Knoxville. I didn’t go home for a few good months after we moved in, and walking into my house, I felt like a complete stranger. Going into my room was the worst part. I felt like I was 15 again but like I’d been away for years at the same time. I felt like an intruder in the space that I’d grown up in. Weird feeling.

I’ve mostly gotten past the weirdness of being back home by now. It’s been good to get back and see my big sister, Abby, my parents, and some good good friends. So good. Of course, I haven’t gotten anything done that I’ve needed to do. Heading back tomorrow on Super Bowl Sunday will be interesting. There are about a million things that I could do Sunday, but I should really sit in my room and wrap my head around the things I need to tackle this week. I’ll figure it out. Maybe Caroline will want to drive home. Fingers crossed!

Been getting a little crazy lately. I’ve allllways been one to question every single move that I make. Been getting a wee bit fearful of the future and the fact that I feel like I’m going too safe with the course of my life thus far. I can’t help but think there’s more than the comfortable life that I think I want. I’m scared of mediocrity. I wonder sometimes if where I am and what I’m doing is too normal, too typical, too expected. Normalcy? No thank you, I’ll pass. Break the mold, cast, whatever. Just do it. Empty passion is not my thing. Never has been, never will be.  I’ll figure it out. Or won’t. That’s probably the point.

I look up definitions of random words all the time, usually simple words that I want something else for... Just looked up passion—

Passion (noun)

1.     Suffering of Jesus Christ

2.     Story of Jesus Christ’s suffering

He’s everywhere. In my face. All the time.  I can’t even explain it.